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half my life

half of my life was spent forgetting half more, and, now that i’m older, i can see that our memory is what makes us who we are and gives us the ability to be who we need to be for ourselves.

half of my life is spent remembering half more, and, now that i’m older, i can say that where i’ve been has made me who i am and gives me opportunity to be who i need to be for our family.

i don’t like specifics. they weigh me down, and it’s not my way. i like the existential genericness that comes with commonalities. in short, i like to be open to a wide group who can make these words their own. that’s what writing is about: i don’t write for me, i write for who will read me. i want them to experience what i’ve felt, maybe not how i felt it, but to see how i got to where i ended up, so, perhaps, they can see that in their own lives. my greatest accomplishment would be to have someone read through everything i’ve written and come out with a greater understanding of themselves. if they know me, great, but that’s not my goal. and goals are a funny thing: they change. i used writing as a form of expression that can be hidden and yet spoken/written/given away. now, i don’t want to hide. i want to just put it out there and see (or hope that) others pick up and use them as a conduit.

just like this Notepad window, the box resizes. the area from which we work expands, contracts, alters the way my words appear. and that’s okay. that’s why timelessness is important. if i attempt to attain relevancy in only my time/my generation/my circumstances, then what good am i when English is no longer spoken by my descendants? translatability is important. i’m not painting here, i’m writing. i’m not showing people what they need to see, i’m helping them get to the point where they can see and do see. i’m not a tour guide, i’m a sherpa. i don’t have the talent to paint or draw, so i leave that up to those who can. rather, i’d like to type out the directions and make them as confusing as possible so people have to think for themselves. a friend of mine once said, in high school, that to read a poem is really only reading the first and last two lines. he was right. the substance within means nothing if someone doesn’t want to read the work, so for that person the poem is 3 lines. for some, a poem is the first line or word. i guess that’s one reason why i don’t like titles, or i like for titles to be the first line: people are forced to read the first line twice, which may be all that’s needed to better put them in the frame of mind that they can enjoy the work.

don’t get me wrong. i don’t write for everyone alone. i see myself in what i write and regain what i felt when i wrote it. known by few, i have a horrible memory for events. oddly, i can recall emotions from the events more so than what happened. maybe that isn’t odd; maybe that’s normal, but i won’t know that because i’m only one: me.

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musings & scribbles