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as much as i try to, i fail to leave you

as much as i try to,
i fail to leave you;
hope the world
would just let us be–
let us be comfortable,
without all the wounds
left healing, while we
focus on other things–
things we never say we need,
but always fall back on
when there’s nothing else to do.

i tried erasing you
from my memory;
so fragile the thought
of giving in and letting go,
but i never found the strength;
i always failed when i never tried hard enough.

there’s a light i look to
when the clouds are clearly grey and nothing can reach us from above;
there’s a lightness of the air i never
look toward, but always find when there’s time enough
to stand and wait for
the thoughts of pressure to fall away, sideways,
letting the skin open and air the aggression of this body
now calm, for the world doesn’t need another madman;
just another romantic, graced by all of the life left to be.

i sit and walk by
all that we had,
i look to repeat them,
but know there’s better to be done;
yet, i follow
all their courses,
break my head on the sounds, not said,
but wished away too often to
stay, except when you come back
and tell me everything i never needed to hear.
i felt you from afar and knew this would be all i’d be able to say to you,
even though so much more need be said without words, alone.
i, fragile, feel you breaking me,
and you, light, lift me higher;
and i know love when you whirl ’round my impure skin.

take a look at the worlds from far, looking
back on you,
though you know not from where, but know they are,
loving you without a need of being brought back for more;
and we don’t know why.

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musings & scribbles